I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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