He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
