It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
