it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
