I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
