you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
