I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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