My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
