I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
