I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
