There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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