In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i will never coherently bang her
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
