I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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