everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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