Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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