Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
