I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
