I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I FOUND THE LEGS
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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