I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
