Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I don't deserve a penis
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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