wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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