OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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