so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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