just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
