new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
