I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
