and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
