After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
