We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
