I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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