Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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