I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
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Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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