A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
