took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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