$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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