WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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