Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
