just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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