I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
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I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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