my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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