Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
