Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You pole danced in your parka.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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