We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
