I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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