A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
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I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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