My underwear smells like fireworks.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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