I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
