I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
