you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
