I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
