it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
