U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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