When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
