I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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