so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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