omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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