My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
