these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My ass is underappreciated
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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