my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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