i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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