Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
