So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
