then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
