there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
