I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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